Breathe. Refocus. Keep Going.

 One Day At A Time.

One Hour At A Time.

One Minute At A Time. 

I say this to myself all the time. I do not need to tackle everything all at once just what is in front of me, right now. Some days are harder than others. Some fly by with ease. The past 7 months have been nothing but hell. 

I find myself just going through the motions. Get up, get kids ready, go to work, pick up kids, go home, bedtime routines for kids, go to sleep. Repeat. Days and days of the same routine, I couldn't tell you what happens in those days sometimes because Im literally like a zombie. 

Processing the hows and whys of life can be daunting. I can find myself down that rabbit hole fairly quickly if I let myself. So I try to find the positive, Im re-reading The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon. I am the driver of my own bus, I have the power to control my ride, who I allow to ride with me and whether or not I skip that bus stop altogether.  Bad attitudes and negative thoughts are like flat tires, they don't help me get anywhere. Its easy to sit and say "find the positive" there are many days this is hard and I struggle with even the simple things. 

Im refocusing, what is important to me? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to go? I want to find what makes me happy for me, not because someone else is telling me to be happy. I've spent a lot of time with this thought. Its hard when you feel like you're in a never ending dark tunnel. Im trying to make a vision board, create a visual poster of things I want to accomplish and see the positive. 

Since September 2021, I've divorced, both of my dogs died, my cars transmission went out, my Dad got sick and the ER doctor told me it was my fault, and my Dad died. Any one of those are big things to process, let alone put them together. I keep telling myself I can do this. If it weren't for my kids I would have packed my bags and picked a direction to drive. 

I've dove into music, my playlists are on almost constantly. Some days I find that music is the only way I can describe how Im truly feeling. I can't put to words most days what I am feeling. New music, old music, music I have been suggested. ALL. OF. IT. Some days it's more empowering music, other days it's deep in the feelings. Some days it's just good ol' throwbacks. I've jumped back into all my Emo music, Dashboard Confessional, New Found Glory, Something Corporate, Mest, The Used, My Chemical Romance. But I can easily go from that to Megan the Stallion, Eminem, Garth Brooks, Miranda Lambert, Billie Eillish, Post Modern Jukebox. Limp Bizkit, Coolio, DMX, Backstreet Boys. ALL. OF. IT. Im that person that you never know what the next song is going to be. 

Trying to find joy in the things I used to enjoy but found my way from has been hard. I am the type of person who always thinks I need to be doing something but can waste so much time doing nothing at the same time. Im trying to prioritize what I want to accomplish. 

I struggle daily with what this looks like but all I can do is take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. 

Grace vs. Excuses

Curveballs

Days go by quickly, yet so slow. I always feel like I have plenty of time to get things done but then the day is over and its time to go to bed. Sleep doesn't come terribly easy, my brain never shuts off. I get up several times to write on my list of things "to do." I am hoping that as time moves forward and I develop my new normal, I can set a routine that allows me to not feel so frantic. 

Nobody plans for things to knock you down. Well, thats a lie. I tend to plan for the worst and hope for the best. It drives people around me crazy. I'd rather plan for it not to go well and be pleasantly surprised when it goes off without a hitch. On the flip side of that, I try to find the positive in everything. "Energy Bus" it. I say that a lot, just not necessarily to myself. If I can get my brain to stop racing I can try to find the positive in the moment but anymore I tend to need to think about it for a while. 

2022 is a brand new beginning. The month of January was the worst, I plan on the rest of the year being better. In the 31 days of January, I tested positive for Covid on the 10th. I dont know first hand what its like to be drug behind a truck but I assume thats what it would feel like. I was miserable. On the 18th my Dad passed away, this was something we had been anticipating but you're never truly ready for the loss of anyone let alone a parent. And my divorce was final on the 25th. 17 years; done. Thats a whole different kind of loss to process. People ask me how I am and I reply with "I'm here," somedays thats an accomplishment in itself. Some days the phrase "keep the tiny humans alive" (Greys Anatomy pun) runs through my head. So as I sit here looking forward, I plan to make the most of what I have. Learn new things and be a better me. 

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. 

This is my life and its messy but its mine to make it what I want it to be. 

Here's To Living More

2021 was a difficult year. I didn't think it could be harder than 2020 but I sure was wrong. When a year begins you set goals, make resolutions, have dreams to accomplish. Theres always a glimmer of newness to the beginning of a year. 365 new chances to do something. 

 As 2021 has ended, I find myself reflecting back on the year and all the happy memories, goals I wanted to meet. First I decided I was going to post a quote everyday of the year. I may have missed a day here or there but I posted and caught up each time. Each quote was chosen by me and how I felt that day. Some are not as bright and shiny as others, thats because I was choosing them for myself not for anyone else. I think I will continue to post quotes frequently because I had so many people comment they liked them. Honestly, I think we all need that kind of positivity in our lives. 

I finished my second year of teaching once again changing my role within the school building. I am now the Behavior Academic Support Room Teacher. My kids are some of the most challenging in the building. I wouldn't trade them for anything, they keep me on my toes. That being said I Graduated from Fort Hays State University in December with my Masters in Science, High Incidence Special Education. This has been a rough road but I did it, and I finished during a time I really wanted to give up. I did it. I needed to see myself finish at the same time it was the hardest semester. 

We often fight battles that no one is aware of and this year was full of those. Some of you may know I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This is something I will always have but is manageable. PCOS affects literally everything. I've known I've had PCOS for almost 10 years. Taking care of me, is being put at the top of my list for this year. You can't pour from an empty cup. I can't ignore what I need to take care of the way I have in the past. In 2021 I started doing LeVel also known as Thrive. It was hard. I didn't always follow it the way I was supposed to. I saw others results and wanted them. The reality is, none of these diets are great for someone with PCOS. This year, I will find what works. I have to. Theres nobody else that can do it for me. 

To say 2021 was a trying year truly is an understatement. It started out well, as well as it could. However, ended like a tidal wave has hit me and drug me out to sea. I've sat at the computer many times trying to to think of how to put to words what the last four months of 2021 has been like, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I've never pretended to be perfect and I wont start now. I struggle, I do the wrong things, I get taken advantage of because I see the better in someone, I always want to show theres hope. My hope was drug through the mud. The past four months have been dark. Darker than I care to admit. Still daily I got up and put a smile on my face while fighting battles very few knew about. September was the official end to my marriage of almost 12 years. Then Jazz, my 13 year old dog died, then Molly, my 11 year old dog died, then my cars transmission went out and then my Dad got sick and has been on hospice since the week before Thanksgiving. Its a lot to pack into four months. Im working on being a better version of myself. Im working on being a better mom, a better daughter, better friend, better teacher. Nobody can do this for me but me. Many days I struggle to get everything done. I dont know how anyone can do life without a support system. I'm thankful for mine. 

Many days I don't know which way is up and how I'm going to get there. Some days by the end of the day I dont even know what I did all day. But what I do know is that 2022 is going to be life changing. Im going to set some big goals for myself and do it for me.